first post in a very long time. been an eventful year for me. promotion, ah gong's demise then melbourne. i got what i wanted for my promotion but not exactly satisfied becoz it took me a year to get there. i can say that i have been working hard since june last year. not sure what my next step is but zhou yi bu kan yi bu. no one will ever know how much effort i put into it becoz i sacrificed ball time, family n friends time and many other things which i wanted to get down to. but now that i have gotten it, its a kinda empty feeling becoz i cant seem to share it with anyone. like they prob wldnt understand what i have sacrificed since.

and the one that really affected me was my ah gong's death. he passed away on the hosp bed while the docs were trying to revive him. hardly able to put into words how i felt at that point in time. and till now, i still miss him lots. i used to remember how he will come to me and pat me on my head and ask me how my work was. and whether i was working too hard. he always told me that i have to be nice to my parents and to be filial to them, stay with them in future etc. and also how he used to like eating hainanese chicken rice and pork chop. i always hoped that all my grandparents will be at my wedding if i do have one. becoz they mean the world to me. never told anyone these becoz it might sound like crap to them but they were the ones who took care of me when i was young. n just recently (havent told anyone about this), i dreamt of my ah gong. and i can vaguely remember him asking me how i was, whether i enjoying my work and to stay true to what i always believe in. i miss u ah gong. 

and lastly, the melbourne trip that took me ages to get down to. i dont really care what the others say but i care about what u say. when  i first reached melbourne, i finally understood and realised what she has gone through during the past 2 years. how she managed to get through it just shows how strong a person she is. but i guess small little things have altered our paths along the way and we are at that same crossroads again, but different feelings for each other this time. felt comfortable having her by my side which reminded me of the old times. it was a familiar feeling like we were never apart. but i guess she felt differently. that she took every word i said with a pince of salt. it hurts but she doesnt know. i let her down first and i should never expect anything from her. but i took a big risk this time time gg melbourne becoz i knew it was a crucial month for my work. oh well, it will be over soon. 

i hate the feeling when no one believes in me anymore. fuck it.

 i guess songs better express how i feel than me trying to put it into words. sometimes you try so hard too think of how to pen down your thoughts but i guess what im trying to say is that not everything you feel can be put down to just words. when was the last time you last opened up yourself to someone close to you? when was the last time you tried to let the other person know how much you really care abt him/her? i was looking at this website i created for you somewhere this time last year. how time flies. 

. i got stuck at the first sen

what are your little pebbles in life? u might be wondering what i mean by pebbles in life. there are no specifics that i am refering to here. it could be anything. family, friends, career. i have 5. how about you? mum, dad, sis, you and career. these pebbles could come at different stages of your life. they might leave, come back and disappear again. grab hold of your pebbles when you find them, for they might be gone before you know it. having lived for almost 26 years, i thought i understood myself. but i was wrong. i thought i was someone who was reliable, responsible and knew when not to cross the line. promises made, promises broken. i am not sure. i hope you have already found the pebbles you were looking for. 

 i remember the day i spoke to her on the phone when she left for aussie. and that was the last time i spoke to her. i choked.  time will heal. refraining from smsing or calling her alrdy. can imagine how much it hurts when i call or sms her. and she has to pick up the pieces again. im sorry for being selfish. and for being that guy who made you empty promises and yet cldnt fufil them in the end. im sorry

i was walking home today and i felt this pang of emptiness inside me. remember how i used to hold her hands and talk about everything under the sun. was looking through our old pics yesterday and my tears started to flow again. it has been like that for the past 1 week. not wanting to come home and have to face reality. i still have her photoframe, the mug she gave me be4 she left, her handmade items, and pics of her on my cupboard. and it all started to crumble again. having to hide my fears and my tears inside me when im with people is tough. but she was the only one who embraced my feelings. someone who once told me that having me was the best thing that could ever happen to her. sometimes, i pick up the phone wanting to call her to tell her the things that have happened in my life. i dial her number and put it down because i dont have the courage to call her again. i need a break from all these. but my heart just wldnt allow me to.........

2009 ended like it never did. so many things happened in 2009. the coming of 2010 didnt feel any special at all. even though i was with my colleague, the only thing i could think of was you. it still hurts till today. not being able to have you in my life hurts like crazy. prob she has moved on. even if i wanted to get back together, things wldnt be the same again. because i know i hurt her deeply this time. it would be crazy to say i think of her everyday. but i do. the things we used to do crosses my mind every now and then. the smu days where we slogged together, the jonkoping lake walks we used to take, the cooking of dinners together, how she laughs at the stupidest of jokes i crack, how she makes me feel better everytime things dont turn out well for me, the anfield trip, how much she appreciates me who im and how much she has sacrificed to be with me. and all i took it for granted. i once thought i could never love someone that deeply. i was wrong. if only crying canmake the pain go away.